'Crushed' Bridal Self Portrait

'Crushed' Self Portrait by Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved
'Crushed' Self Portrait by Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved
There are fifty days until our tenth wedding anniversary and vow renewal ceremony in the Snowdonia region of Wales. Final travel arrangements are being confirmed and my to do list is being prioritized.  There has been one task that I have been putting off until 'closer to the date'.  My husband urged me this weekend to finally try on my wedding gown.  It has been perserved in a box, inside another box for safe keeping since our wedding in 2003.  In the last ten years it has been moved six times and lucky has never been lost or damaged.  Taking the gown out of the box and feeling the smooth duchess satin, I was reminded just how much I loved this gown.  I had fallen in love with the idea of it once I laid eyes on the blue sash gown by Amsale in my Knot magazine. Since it cost as much as my entire wedding budget I found a seamstress in town to make a replica for a fifth of the cost.  Other than choosing to keep the sash the same colour of the gown it was a perfect comparison.  I honestly could wear this gown every day for the rest of my life because it is that beautiful to me.  I could never sell it and would love to see my future daughter wear it one day.  Be it as a wedding gown, or repurposed for a baby. 

Another reason I had been putting off trying it on was that there were three issues before me.  Aside from having only worn it once ten years ago I have had two kids since that time.  I also wore a full bridal corset that I no longer own as I sold shortly after the honeymoon.  The third is that since Christmas I have not been eating a strict paleo diet and can tell that the carbs from bread, porridge and potatoes (chips/mash/roasted) have gone right to cover up my abs. When Ryan exclaimed, 'Wow, its tiny!' as he held up the gown for me I started to get worried. I stepped into it and held the bodice up to my chest as the final test awaited us.  Could we get the zipper to go all the way up?  

I cannot tell you the answer to that as the zipper broke in the process and my excitement about putting on my favourite gown plummeted with it. I attempted to make a status message or send a tweet about it but then canceled it as I was too heart broken.  In six weeks and a couple days I am planning on wearing this gown and now I not only have to figure out where to get it pressed but how to fix the zipper. Not to mention I need to get a corset, keep all carbs away, and stick to Paleo until after we return from Wales. 

So here I am with a a dress out of its perserved box and I will admit I am crushed that I do not know if I can now wear it.  The practical part of me is saying that Ryan's DIY idea of fixing the zipper himself will work out and that I will most definitely shed the carb baby I'm currently carrying before we get to Wales.  The dress will fit.  I hope to hold onto that shred of optimism   

I will be honest that the last couple of days I have been pretty down about it.  I lacked the motivation to take this photo at all and it took me two sessions of it on Tuesday to get my shot.  The first time around I ended up just laying on the bed with my gown still on and taking a nap. The toll of it not fitting was not conducive to working with my creative needs.  However, I got a few shots I liked in the second go around thankfully.  

I like my self portraits to come across like paintings and this photograph I feel fits the bill.  I love the gown, I am crushed that it will no longer zip, and my hair cascaded down in front of my face to hide the tears.  

xx
B.



24 comments:

  1. Gorgeous photo - I just love it. I also appreciate the heartfelt story. The fact that you are close to fitting into a gown you wore when you were ten years younger is an accomplishment in itself! I'm sorry for the trouble and worry it's caused you, I totally understand your pain and disappointment. Here's to hoping it works out! I'm rooting for you :)

    xoxo
    Melyssa

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    1. Thank you Melyssa and I greatly appreciate your beautiful kind words and comfort that things will hopefully work out. :) x

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  2. Oh I'm so sorry it doesn't fit! You can fix it up no problem I'm sure. The good news is that photo is STUNNING!!

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    1. Yes, Ryan seems optimistic about it. Thank you for your sweet words about the photograph. x

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  3. Such a beautiful photo! Hope you find a way to fix the zipper. I think it's a lovely idea that you're going to wear your wedding dress from ten years ago. I could imagine it would bring back the lovely memories from that day, making your vow renewals even more special!

    xxSusanne

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    1. Thank you Susanne :) My husband thinks he can fix it. You are right, I think it will make it that much more special with the gown. x

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear about your dress and I hope it can be fixed. But I must say that this photo is absolutely stunning! You took a sad moment and made it beautiful. :)

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    1. I love what you said about 'took a sad moment and made it beautiful'. Thank you Mary. x

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  5. I think you should wear the dress like that. You have an absolutely gorgeous back. Rock it girl! In all seriousness, sorry about the zipper. :-(

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    1. Thank you Kelly, maybe if worse comes to worse we can make it a back less dress. ;)

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  6. i love that dress, absolutely gorgeous! i remember seeing it in your posts about your wedding also. i'm sorry that the shoot didn't go as planned and caused disappointment. i pray that everything works out for the best before your big day!

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  7. Well I absolutely love the photo. I am so sorry about the zipper :/

    Maybe you can take it to get altered in some way so it can fit you? I don't know I am just trying to help lol!

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  8. That picture is gorgeous! Well done. I hope it does fit and zip! I bet most people wouldn't even have a prayer of their dress still fitting after 10 years. I'm very impressed.

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  9. It is always a shame when something so special/important has a moment of upset or disappointment. The dress is beautiful, and a wonderful memory of your wedding ten years ago so I understand the significance, but, if I may, you and your husband are not the same as you were ten years ago. You have both grown and changed and experienced different things as time has gone by (I have experienced this and I have only been married nearly 4 years) so maybe your dress could be a reimagining? Keep it similar but add some changes/touches that reflect you now and what your marriage has grown into. If you do have to do any zip fixing etc, it could be a good time to change the dress a little. You are good at reimagining things and adding a new flare to things (like in your room post with the travel theme - although I know a wedding dress is not the same as doing a room). Good luck with it all. Best wishes to you! xXx

    Molly @ The Move to America

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  10. Don't worry!! I'm sure it will all work out!

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  11. I hope he's able to fix the zipper. It looks like a gorgeous dress and I'm sure you'll look lovely.

    Your photographs are always so creative. I really like this one.

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  12. That photo is outstanding. And I pray that you can wear it!! It has to work out - such a beautiful day should not be ruined by a broken zipper. I will be sending big happy thoughts and positive wishes your way until it is fixed. xoxoxo

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  13. That picture is gorgeous Bonnie! I hope the dress gets fixed in time, it really is beautiful but you'll be beautiful with or without it.

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  14. What a shame, but is is salvageable! Try and find a local seamstress (try the post office/village store notice board!) and they can usually do a fix quite quickly (my local seamstress fixed a skirt zip in about an hour! For a tenner!).

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  15. The internet won't let me see your picture right now, which is frustrating me! That has to be scary--having the zipper broken and not quite fitting. :( Angel and I have a tradition so far of getting back into our wedding clothes every year. I think it's a good thing for the sake of that tradition that my wedding dress was not a fitted style! That would make things a lot harder!

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  16. Ohhhh, your photo is gorgeous! Can you bring the dress to a seamstress? Zippers aren't too costly to fix (usually)!. Paleo will take care of the rest. I am willing to bet that your husband thinks you are more beautiful now than the day you wed, dress or not. Don't despair...

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  17. I love this photo. It expresses so much, even without reading the story behind the process. This was def one of the pictures that kept me on your blog from the first time i came across the name "A compass rose" ;)

    xoxo,
    Luchessa.org

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  18. Love this post. The picture is amazing. I hope you get your zipper fixed :)

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  19. Such a hauntingly beautiful self-portrait. Thank you for creating it, even though it rose from your pain and despair.

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I love to interact with my readers and I try my best to respond back to all comments.

Cheers,
Bonnie Rose

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